By Lilith McFarlin
Just like most days, that day was not my day. My Wonder Bread got stuck in the toaster so long that it caught fire. I tried to throw it out the window, but I missed and burned down my house of cards. I am proud that the whole thing burned without collapsing. The fireman didn’t seem too impressed. He also didn’t think it was funny when I apologized for making him late to his Village People reunion.
I needed some peace of mind, so I headed to Laman Library to smother my problems between the pages of a book. Once I was there, I am in desperate need of the restroom. I didn’t want to use my home toilet, because the place smelled like the smoke from my Aunt Martha’s Pall Malls, which brought back painful, prune-filled memories.
I walked into the restroom, and what did I see but a man with a half-eaten giant burrito in his hands. I swear the whole other half was on his face. My presence seemed to have set off some kind of alarm in his head. His eyes were baseballs when he said, “That’s it for the Bathroom Burrito hour. Tune in next time for an interview with my foot!” He then wiped his face with a paper towel, threw it on the floor, and ran off, leaving a trail of ground beef behind. I was disgusted. I thought I should tell the staff, but I didn’t want to be a snitch. I panicked. I needed to get it together, so I told myself: Terrance, this is not that kind of library. You can tell them when life throws you a fast one. They won’t beat you with a dictionary and steal your shoes in lieu of a fine. These are nice people.
I approached the front desk in what I thought was a calm, collected manner.
The library worker behind it said, “Sir, are you okay?”
I said, “I’m, uh, fine. There’s a mess in your men’s room.”
They said, “We’ll get that taken care of. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
I said, “I lost my library card when my beloved house of cards caught fire. It was my cornerstone. How do I go about getting a new one?”
They said, “Um, I’m sorry for your loss. I’ll just need to see a photo ID so I can look up your account, and a replacement card will be two dollars, since your card isn’t expired.”
“That is a small price to pay for access to such fine resources. Paying for this one might make me appreciate it more than the first.”
I needed to use the computer to print, so I hopped on the one next to the printer. I clicked and clicked, but all it would tell me was print release station. Where was my beloved Google Chrome? One of the library workers gently guided me over to the express computers where I logged in with my library card and pin numbers. I came back to the print release station, put in my card number again followed by my money, then I printed. Then I picked up the latest romance novel to warm my heart during my lonely nights and checked it out using my ID. All was right in the world. Except, on my way to my car my right foot tripped over my left foot and I skinned my knee. But the scab was in the shape of Justin Timberlake, which I took as a sign of good luck.