My name is Terrance D. Matheson, and despite my gratuitous amount of anxiety, I am adapting to this pandemic, since it doesn’t seem to be going away. I want to spread love and joy without spreading the virus. My first attempt was filling my trunk with glitter, leaving it open, and rolling down the street in my hazmat suit—eating chili dogs. I was laid back, with my mind on distancing and distancing on my mind. That is, until the very sparkly police officer let me off with a warning.
I felt bad because the poor woman even had glitter in her socks, and it was difficult to smuggle chili dogs inside my somewhat unnecessarily protective attire. So I retired that idea. Now I’m spreading metaphorical glitter by supporting my local businesses and library. Did you know that you can checkout magazines via Laman’s curbside service? I’ve also been watching their Facebook feed and their new TikTok for new videos and podcasts because every view and share counts. I even dueted the bookmark one by showing that I am currently 100% lawful good with my book ribbon. I pick up the latest issue of MAD Magazine at Laman, and even though the delivery is contact-less, I can still feel the love. They even schedule curbside pickup so library enthusiasts don’t bump into each other and spread germs.
I get back in my car which, to be honest, still has flecks of glitter throughout. I often find that glitter’s greatest strength is also its greatest drawback: It never truly goes away. I take a sip of my oat milk latte from Mugs, and I know I helped a business stay open, which will help the unemployment problem. But getting curbside from [barista redacted] instead of drinking it inside keeps us both safe. Once I am back home, I open my magazine and laugh like I haven’t in months. I can’t wait to tell all my friends about this in our next Zoom hangout.